IVF from a man’s perspective
When going through IVF, the focus is on the woman - the drugs, the egg collection, hormonal outrage and heavy bloating. But let’s not forget about the men. Being forced into a little room for a compulsory orgasm whilst a waiting room of people sat outside the door all know exactly what you are doing, sounds like a nightmare to me. So what is it really like to give a sperm sample?
A brilliant and funny insight into what occurs in THAT ROOM has been provided by Mans' IVF View, a humorous and enlightening blog. With permission to share it here, this article will make you better appreciate what men through for IVF.
How to give a sperm sample for IVF
So, how was my lunch time….
Went in to a little area, what I’d like to call the dry hand room (male specimen room)
Fill in a form and patiently wait - analyse the other people waiting
Wonder how long I should take in the room. Do I spend the same amount of time as the last person? Sit and wonder, was he too quick? Can I last that long? Oh God, this is a tough one.
Got the call to go to the ‘Quiet Room’. But what if I want to get all noisy?
Grab the pot and confirm that it’s me on the label and then enter the room.
Ah, the mood lighting, soft music playing, comfy bed waiting for me, a range of reading material… God, I have got a good imagination. I mean seriously, just a little mood lighting and some scented candles would go a long way to help the occasion. It's not like I'm asking for cinema and dinner then a load of romancing.
Clinical bed, box of magazines.
So, what have I learnt from my lunchtime?
The editorial content of Hustler is far superior to Readers Wives
Late 1990’s had a fashion for the partial tuft
Anne, 24 from Northampton, probably isn’t 24. Which got me thinking, was she actually from Northampton?
Silvia, 38 from Newcastle, could do with some braces to straighten those teeth a little
The hot topic in Hustler was what was the most romantic thing your man had done? I mean, come on. That isn’t the first place I’d look for inspiration
Little knock at the door to ask if I’m alright. To be answered with “all good here, Julie. Just got carried away reading the latest passionate episode of Mary and the Maintenance Man and wondering if she would or wouldn’t”.
Ah yes, back to the matter in hand, so to speak….
Finish what I had started. Dab the sweat from the forehead and tidy myself up a little.
Out of the Quiet Room and a little knock on the hatch to see a bearded guy smiling back at me.
“Did you collect all of the sample?”
“Why do you ask, Greg? Do I still have a little on my moustache?”
Start to finish - 8 minutes, including the ‘before clean’ and the ‘after hand wash’.
Now I think it is time for a fag, a quick drink and a little sleep. Exhausting, all this IVF, I can tell you. Worst part of all was the £2.70 for the bloody parking!
Sperm sample room - Suggestions box
So they want suggestions, here are some:
1) Don't bring your grotty used magazines, they are a biohazard.
2) Educate people on personal hygiene.
3) A scented candle or two would be nice, far better smell to get you in the mood.
4) If you don't want to clean the room between each patient then at least leave me the spray, wipes and some gloves so I can do it myself.
5) Some music would be great, or at least move the waiting area away from the wall next to the sample room. #dontwanttohearit
6) A recovery room, where you can grab a beer and lay down or at least play some pool.
7) Please, please, please can I just have a little lubrication? #frictionburns
8) Please don't ask if I got all the sample in the pot. I mean, like…. really? what do you expect the answer to be? “Actually no, I didn't. The room now resembles a scene from Ghostbusters and to be honest with you I'm very proud of it.”